Meh

“Emperor Georgiou (Michelle Yeoh) joins a secret division of Starfleet to stop an unexpected threat in this Paramount+ original movie.”

I think with the Skydance internal review rumors all pretty much circulating the same story from diverse and competing forces that the crunched numbers indicate strongly that Kurtzman’s Secret Hideout regime just flatly does not understand the Star Trek assignment. Showing an Andorian boffing somebody in a Porky’s reference or the cut-to comedy of every 80s movie ever isn’t Star Trek. Just throwing in a half-white, half-black waiter from Cheron for some reason, or a fat unpregnant tribble, or a Gorn skeleton isn’t Star Trek. It’s not even a good reference, as far as references go, since it’s out of place. It’s like going into a rodeo-themed bookstore and the owners not understanding why nobody wants to buy some barbecue. I mean, it’s all cowboys and horses, right?

Anyway, this promo copy above sure shows that. Mirror Philippa joins a secret division of Starfleet? I guess, kinda. If you don’t know any of the backstory that got us here, I guess that sums it up in the most cold-oatmeal way possible. But the start of this thing, a quote from Aeschylus, the father of Greek tragedy, who is probably the only philosopher Kurtzman knows: “Fate who makes the sword… does the forging in advance.” What pompous twaddle, especially when they smash cut to… an on-the-nose steel-forging shot. And why is this pompous twaddle? Because of course the full quote is “The anvil of justice is planted firm, and fate who makes the sword… does the forging in advance.” but is more properly translated into non-pompousness as “The anvil of justice is planted firm. Destiny fashions her arms and forges her sword quickly.” but even then the quote keeps going and whatever. It’s just indicative of these guys to put a poster in the window and hope you think they are sympathetic to your cause. Because that’s about all you’re getting out of this show. Lip service.

Which, in the first fifteen minutes introduces a character you’ve never heard of, played by a younger actress so it’s not immediately apparent that it’s supposed to be Georgiou, who immediately kills her family in search of personal power. And this is our irredeemable main character, killing her family as inciting incident? That is some evil shit for a TV movie, much less for a Star Trek flagship series showcasing a studio streamer starring an Oscar-winning actress in a familiar if controversial role.

But it’s clear Secret Hideout doesn’t understand effective storytelling in general, like starting out Star Trek: Discovery with three minutes of Klingon subtitles to read when all we want to see is the new designs, and the first two episodes that literally do not matter to the series at all. Nor do they understand Star Trek in particular, because no Trek fan roots for a tyrant who murders her own family in the first five minutes of the first Trek movie in eight years, right? I mean, come on. Somebody over there has to have thought about that at least once, yeah?

But as soon as all that settles down, it’s revealed that it’s all in service of some kind of rejected Mission: Impossible heist plot/mission brief from “Control.” Um, what? Is that “Control” like the Man From UNCLE spyhandlers or “Control,” the evil AI thingie from STD S4 or whatever? And, if it is, is their Control no longer evil? I mean…what? And just when that starts getting to be frankly so atonal to what you expect from the treat when it says “Star Trek” on the lid of the box, there’s a title card that informs or reminds us that we are “Far Outside Federation Space.” Well, no kidding, what with none of this looking or sounding or feeling like Star Trek in any way, here’s a set of 20th century electric guitar licks. Man, these guys don’t even know how needle drops work. Forget Zefram Cochrane’s “Magic Carpet Ride;” these guys only know what a needle drop is because of Guardians of the Galaxy.

“Meh.” Oh, dear. Why why why have your main character ever say that? The first rule of Fight Club is to not write headlines for the critics in the title or the text of the work. Enough with the Jennifer Lopez. I mean, do that once, and you’ll never do it again, I assure you. But here we are, at minute 28 and we still don’t know what Crouching Tiger wants or why or literally anything about the main character other than it looks like Yeoh is contractually obligated to try and chew scenery despite not exactly knowing why. This flick was dumber than Rebel Moon but at least that was gorgeous. This just sat there like it was a bar in a soundstage and a small fire and potted planet in front of the 40 foot LED wall. I mean, I guess, but why burn resources just standing in place or slightly falling behind?

Nothing about this ordinary, generic nonsense is Star Trek. Not one teeny tiny leetle sleever of a bit of a thought-provoking moral quandry, no thinly-disguised political message, no stakes, no aspiration, no hope, no awesome. Has anything in modern Star Trek stuck in your mind like 20th century Rome, the gangster planet, Space Lincoln, the tribbles, Apollo’s green hand, the fight music, “‘Freedom’ Yang worship word. You shall not speak it.” Part of it is nostalgia, familiarity, reverence for scripture, sure. But Kirk, Spock, and McCoy was a game you used to play running around at recess; Dan Abernathy would play the mugatu and we’d all chase him around, or we’d slomo dropkick each other like Kirk going for that Gorn midsection or Andorian drop in “Journey to Babel” and Skydance says their merchandising retail numbers are down ninety percent since the Secret Hideout License and it doesn’t take a Hollywood insider to see why.

Nobody likes generic nonsense. Especially after sixty years of folks mostly doing it right; this kind of copyright-retaining crap is just inexcusable. I can usually find something to like in just about anything, but these 90 minutes read more like an insult than a diversion.

And we need old Star Trek-level escapism now more than ever. Stop producing generic adventure and let Star Trek be Star Trek.