‘Tis the season, of course, for all the Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie or Not? discussions and we all started talking about Hamilton for some reason, so here’s the book on the song that closes Act One of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s version of DIE HARD: THE MUSICAL
[THEO]
How wonderful to see you Gruber
The service elevator reveals
Impeccably dressed, lean and handsome, Gruber!
Stepping out into the lobby
As if you own the Nakatomi Building
And in a way you do!
Karl and Eddie and I are inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why
No one’s in as much control as Gruber
No one’s got a Bottega Venata notebook like Gruber’s!
No one hates the Nakatomi Corporation’s legacy of greed around the globe, like Gruber!
[GRUBER]
NOW WHERE IS MISTER TAKAGI?
[OFFICE PARTY GUESTS]
Obviously he has the benefits of a classical education!
[TAKAGI]
That’s what this is about? We’re going to develop that region, not exploit it!
[GRUBER]
I believe you! I read the article in Forbes!
[TAKAGI]
You want… money?
That’s what you want?
That’s what you do?
Good lord, man; what kind of terrorists are you?
[GRUBER]
There’s no reason not to tell us the code. I’m going to count to three. There will not be a four.
[TAKAGI]
I don’t know it! You can get on a jet to Tokyo, and I still won’t know it! You can ask the chairman, and I still won’t know it! I’m telling you, I don’t know it! You’re just going to have to kill me…
[GRUBER]
OK.
[ALL]
No one shoots a guy in the head like Gruber!
Murder as a hilarious punchline, like Gruber!
[KARL]
Too nice a suit to ruin, Gruber.
[GRUBER]
We do it the hard way. Tony, see if you can dispose of that.
[TONY]
That, there? Where?
[GRUBER]
I don’t care.
[ALL]
Thirty minutes to break the code
Two hours for the five mechanicals
[THEO]
The seventh lock? Out of my hands.
[GRUBER]
The FBI will get rid of it for us!
[spits]
[JOHN McCLANE pulls fire alarm]
Come on, baby.
Come to Papa.
I’m gonna kiss your goddamn dalmation.
[GRUBER]
Call 911, give them your name and the badge number
The security guard you killed, remember?
Cancel the alarm and disable the system
Eddie, what floor? How did you miss him?
[McCLANE]
Nine million terrorists in the world
Under different nations’ flags unfurled
Wince in pain, glass shards and blisters
I kill the one with feet smaller than my sister’s.
[GRUBER]
I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, and free of strife.
Alas, Mister Takagi will not be joining us for the rest of his life.
[POLICE DISPATCHER]
Say it again
Who’s calling my men?
Attention whoever you are
Don’t you know? Can’t you guess?
Why are you so lonely?
This channel is reserved for emergency calls, only!
[McCLANE]
Listen up; I don’t have time to teach ya!
No fucking shit, lady! Does it sound like I’m ordering a pizza?